The Masters of Bad Timing

 

 

You two must be the Masters of Bad Timing!

 

 

The Masters of Bad Timing, Interval 1

 

David was sitting at his table, finishing up his cereal and toast. A quick glance at his watch told him that he was perfectly on schedule. He was also in his early thirties, slightly overweight, and starting to bald.

 

Moments later, his cereal finished, he walked towards the door and put on his jacket.

 

His wife, Camila, was sitting near the window, reading something. She didn’t look up as she interrogated him. C:” Where are you going? It’s early yet.” D:” I’m going to run some errands first, then I’m headed to the bank.” C:” Can you pick up some milk on your way home from the bank?” D nodded:” Sure thing.”

He stepped outside, and slowly sauntered down the sidewalk towards his boring, nondescript car. The house door he had just closed opened back up to reveal his wife standing inside it. C:” You forgot your toque!” She tossed the bright orange hunting toque towards him. D’s eyes grew wide as he realized how close he was to forgetting it. D:” Thank you! That would have been extremely problematic.” He waved at her, stuffed the toque in his pocket, then stuffed himself behind the wheel of his car.

 

First stop: the post office.
He arrived at exactly fifteen minutes, twelve seconds after 9am. Parking behind the building, he carefully exited and mentally counted his steps. Thirty-eight brought him to the corner of the building, and after another twenty-two steps he reached the main doors.

Two people were inside; one grabbing their mail and about to exit, the other talking to the person behind the counter.

 

D quickly evaluated the person standing in front of the counter: Unkept. Clearly doesn’t own a mirror, or doesn’t know how to use one. Was recently at the-

That person soon left, cutting short D’s internal evaluation. Instead, he walked forward to the lady working behind the front desk.

 

D:” Is Lucia working here today?” The attendant pointed with her head to the left, in the direction of the back room. D nodded, and strolled past the desk into the back room.

The back room was dimly lit, with only a single light that hung low overtop a small desk. The desk was piled high with envelopes, as was the floor all around it.
A large photo of the moon was on a side wall, tilted thirty-seven degrees.

 

Lucia looked up from the pile of envelopes she was sorting. L:” David! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen your face here.” D:” It sure has been. You’ve tilted that photo seventeen degrees since I was last here. Though, unless my math is incorrect, which it isn’t, that photo should only be tilted thirty-six degrees.” L:” Good catch; though it’s intentional. I’ve got the day off tomorrow, and I don’t want to tilt it two full degrees when I return the day after. What do you have for me today?” D handed her a small envelope. D:” Another package for the Twins.”

 

L grabbed the envelope, and studied it under a critical eye. Several moments later, she spoke up harshly:” Your stamp is a little off. Are you trying to get in trouble?”

D was taken aback by the accusation, but he managed to keep his voice emotionless. D:” I demand a reevaluation.” L, with a stern expression, handed him the envelope.

 

She closely watched his face as he studied the stamp placement. A moment later, she couldn’t keep her face serious any longer. Breaking into a large smile, she offered an explanation. L:” I was only messing with you! Flawless as always. It’s almost too perfect. Instead of opening it, the Twins might just frame it and put it on their wall.”

He handed the envelope back to her. Without turning, she flung it against a rug that was hanging on the back wall. The envelope hit it, and dropped down into a black container.

 

Next stop: the mechanic.
He arrived exactly eighteen seconds before 10am, which was, again, perfectly on time.
He pulled into an empty stall inside the shop. Right as he exited his car, a man covered in grease slid out from underneath the Mustang in the stall beside him.

D:” Hernandez! How are you today?” Hernandez slowly sat up. H:” I just don’t get it. How on earth do you always show up right as I finish fixing something?” D:” What can I say? Timing is everything.” H:” Sure, but this isn’t timing. This is witchcraft, or something. What can I do for you?” D:” I need to order some flowers, so while I’m doing that I figured you could do an oil change. Maybe look around for some problems to charge me extra on. Something like that.” Hernandez chuckled at him. H:” Sure sure, whatever you say. Sofia’s waiting for you. Said you’d be coming in today. Said something about a certain flower’s growth time and a particular anniversary or something like that. I don’t know about that. Did you teach her your witchcraft? And what’s with the suit, looking all professional? Working today?” D:” Yeah, I got a position at the East-District bank. First day.” Hernandez laughed as he walked to his workbench.
H:” First day. How many first days can you have before it isn’t anymore? I’ll make sure I make a bunch of mistakes so you’re late today. You got the package?” Wordlessly, David reached into the back seat and pulled out a block wrapped in white paper. D:” Camila even wrapped it for you. The little guy is going to love this. How old is he turning?” H:” My nephew’s going to be six! He’s growing so fast.”

 

[Almost an hour later]
Without turning his head, just using the corners of his eyes, D glanced at his watch. Five minutes before eleven AM. Carefully, he extracted himself from his car, and walked towards the bank. Six more steps, then he would reach the corner of the sidewalk, and another fifteen steps and he would be at the front door. Reaching into his suit pocket, he removed the orange toque and placed it carefully on his head. Six steps later, he turned the corner. Another fifteen, and he reached the front doors, made of thick bullet proof glass. Quickly he studied himself in the refection. His suit was perfectly neat. His facial hair professionally trimmed. Satisfied, he entered into the large money cathedral.

 

It was pretty calm inside, with people sparsely milling about. Only one teller was working, so there was a small line-up waiting. David stepped into line, and shot another glance at his watch. 11:03am. Perfectly on time.

 

Shortly afterwards, yet another ill-kept young man stepped into line behind him. Ym:” Hey, what’s with the orange toque and suit combo, old man?” D didn’t turn around to face him, but kept staring at the boring art on the back wall. D put on his most condescending voice:” It’s called style, kid. If you had any sense of style you’d understand. But I don’t even need to turn around to see that you don’t have any sense.” The young man was so surprised by the reply, that he didn’t respond.

 

A couple more minutes went by, people filled in and out, till it was almost D’s turn to talk to the tiller. That’s when the sudden squealing of tires outside interrupted the monotony inside.

 

The front doors were swung open, and propped open with a handful of sand bags to prevent them from locking. Through the now-open doors over half a dozen men poured in, wearing white painter’s suits with black ski masks pulled over their heads.

 

The Masters of Bad Timing, Interval 2

 

There was a pause where everything slowed down for a moment, and in that moment D noted that two of them were holding their guns incorrectly, and with how they tied their shoelaces their shoes could come untied. The moment disappeared quickly, and pandemonium ensued.

 

Some people started scrambling, while others stayed frozen by shock. The lead gangster pushed a stunned security guard to the ground, and place his foot on the mans chest while yelling. D, who had been momentarily frozen by shock, noted that it looked like the criminal had practiced that particular move before. His thoughts were interrupted by the yelling from the lead gangster. LG:” EVERYONE ON THE GROUND NOW!! NOW!!” Most everyone complied immediately. The ones that didn’t were shoved to the ground. LG: FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND, HANDS ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD!! NOW!!! DON’T LOOK UP, DON’T WIGGLE, DON’T MOVE!!”

 

Dave complied with the order without hesitation. The lone teller working that day was dragged out and shoved to the ground right beside him.
The teller began sobbing quietly. D carefully, and discreetly nudged him. D:” Don’t cry. It isn’t very professional. It’ll probably be over soon.”

 

A couple minutes passed, and other than the robbers running back and forth from their van, everything seemed to calm down. D discreetly tilted his head up from the floor, giving him a view of the bank lobby. One robber was guarding the doors, while another was watching the people on the floor.

 

D, making sure that the robber guarding them wasn’t close enough to hear, whispered to the teller beside him:” I think I can make a break for it. When I do, wait for me to get to the one by the door. It’ll distract the one guarding us, and maybe you’ll be able to surprise him. Do you feel brave? Now’s a good time for it.” The teller nodded, unconvincingly.
D counted down slowly in his head, then jumped up and made a dash for the door.

 

He made it exactly four steps before both guards spun around, and pointed their guns at him. He froze in mid-step. g4:” GET BACK ON THE GROUND. THIS IS NO TIME TO PLAY THE HERO!!” D hesitated a moment. g2:” GET ON THE GROUND NOW!!”
D, defeated, slowly and cautiously crawled back onto the floor beside the teller.
An older gentleman who was also on the floor, raised his voice to just above a whisper:” If everyone just stays calm, maybe they’ll let us go. Don’t make them mad.”

 

Another two minutes passed, and the man guarding the door began to fidget.
g2:” What are they doing in there?” g4:” I don’ no, playing checkers?” g2:” I don’t like it. They should have been out a hundred and twenty seconds ago.” He peered out the door and down the street. g2:” We’re cutting it too close.”

The teller wiggled over to D. T:” Sirens! Can you hear them? We’ll be-”
He was cut off by a robber kicking him sharply. g4:” You’ll be what? Rescued? Fat chance of that.”

He bent over D, and roughly zip-tied his hands together, doing the same to the teller and a handful of the others. The other robber walked over and helped him yank D onto his feet. Feeling a gun placed against his back, D was shoved forwards. g4:” If we get caught, it’s life for us. So I won’t hesitate to shoot you.” D nodded, his blood pressure spiking.

 

Right then several shots rang out from the street. The robber who had been guarding the door returned fire. Moments later, he screamed out and slumped to the ground. Finally the others returned from the vault, each carrying several burlap sacks. They looked pretty heavy. LG:” WHAT’S GOING ON?” g4 responded with the same volume:” YOU TOOK FOREVER! EXTRACTION’S COMPROMISED! THE POLICE ARE HERE; SHOT AND KILLED g1 AND g2!” g2 yelled out:” I’M NOT DEAD YET! GET ME AWAY FROM THIS BLASTED DOOR!” LG and another robber ran forward, and dragged him screaming back into the bank lobby.

LG was handed a loudspeaker, while at the same time D had a black hood thrown over his face. LG:” ATTENTION, POLICE. WE HAVE HOSTAGES. ANY FURTHER ATTEMPT TO INTERFERE WILL RESULT IN THEIR DEATHS. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOLLOW US.” D felt himself being roughly pushed forward, till it seemed like he was outside. Listening closely, there was a bustle of movement behind him. Here he completely lost his nerve, and started sobbing.

 

In between his sobs, he started yelling at the police. D:” PLEASE DON’T MAKE THEM SHOOT ME! I’ve got a family…” A robber yelled at him to shut up. D started trembling, but stopped yelling and tried to stop sobbing. He wasn’t completely successful.
He was startled again by some sudden screaming from behind him; after his heart rate dropped D figured it was the injured robber being loaded into the back of the van.

A moment later he was grabbed, and hauled roughly into the back of the van. That was followed by the sickening sound of the doors being slammed shut.

 

There was a squealing of the tires, and a lurch as the van gained traction and sped away.

 

[Several hours later]
D heard the sounds of people walking around the outside of the abandoned van. It wasn’t long before someone pried open the back of the van and shined a light in. p1:” There he is! They left the hostage just as the said they would.” A couple pairs of hands pulled D out of the van.

 

A removal of the hood revealed a tired, and very disheveled looking David. He lay on the ground, blinking in the flashing red and blue lights.

 

The Masters of Bad Timing, Interval 3

 

A second police officer pulled out his knife, and cut the zip-ties holding his wrist and legs together. p2:” How are you? Are you ok?” D slowly stretched out and rubbed his wrists. D:” I’m ok. A little bruised and stiff. I’m mostly just shaken up, to be honest.” p2:” That’s to be expected. Few people wouldn’t be.” D:” But, honestly, the worst part is how boring it is being tied up in the back of a van for a couple of hours. If they only had tied my hands in front of me, I could have used my phone.”

 

He slowly tried standing up, stumbled, and was helped up by the officer.

D:” How’d you find me?” p1:” Someone called in saying that an unmarked white van was in a ditch down a back road. We immediately figured there was a solid chance you’d be there. We’ll bring you in for questioning later. If you can, write down everything you remember about the robbers and what they said and how they spoke. The types of expressions they used, and the like.”

 

D hesitated, trying to not remember the terrible experience of being zip-tied, and thrown into the back of that van. D:” That sounds like it’ll be pretty painful. I don’t exactly want to relive the experience.” p2:”I understand that it might be, but it’ll be better for you. If you need, the bank is offering to pay for therapy for everyone involved. If you’re interested, contact them.”

 

The police brought him back to the bank, where he had left his car. Just under a half-hour later, he was parked outside of his house, walking up the front steps.

 

He walked through the door, and, after checking to make sure there wasn’t any blood stains, hung up his coat. Camila didn’t look up from the crossword puzzle she was working on. C:” How was work today?”

 

D sighed. D:” Ah, it was fine. Didn’t go all that smoothly. I shouldn’t have been needed. Someone didn’t do the full evaluation as I suggested, and that messed up the timing badly. Two clients got shot. One of them died immediately, the other I almost couldn’t save.” C:” Any officers?” D:” A cop accidentally discharged his gun while it was in his holster. He’ll be fine. Everyone else will just have a mountain of paper work, unless they skip it and burry it.”

C:” When’s your cut coming in?” D:” I got most of it up front.” C:” Really? Isn’t that a red flag?” D:” Yeah. I should have reconsidered. I always tell them you don’t want the paper trail from another bank, but they never listen.” C:” Well, you’ll just have to remember for next time. I have a couple of job offers for you to look over. Most of them you won’t want to touch, but there’s a real option in a different district. However, I’m not sure what your cover story will be, and the bank has mob ties. We can discuss it over dinner.” D sat down in a nearby recliner. C:” When’s your used-bonus coming in?” D:” Probably in about a month from now. Give or take. Depends how quickly they can get it laundered through the Austrian.” She looked up from the table in surprise.
C:” The Austrian? They’re not using one of the Swiss Twins?” D:” Nah. Like I said, these guys were a little sloppy.” C:” Speaking of sloppy, did you forget the milk?”

 

He slapped his forehead. D:” Shoot! I completely forgot. I’ll be back in… in eighteen minutes and thirty seconds.” C:” Thirty-three seconds of error, and you’ll have to wear East-District’s colours next game.” D:” Ouch. That’s pretty harsh. Deal. See you in exactly eighteen minutes, thirty seconds.”
He grabbed his coat and rushed out the door.

 

[Several hours earlier, inside the getaway van]
D felt everything inside the van bouncing around as they swerved in and out of traffic. He banged his head on the floor once or twice. LG:” Are they following us?” The driver stole a quick glance at his mirrors. td:” Doesn’t look like it. Call Eyes. Make sure they haven’t called in a chopper yet.” g4:” On it.”

A few moments passed before the response. g4:” Clear. Eyes says it’s all clear. Proceed on route.”

 

D spoke up, in an irritated tone. D:” Five clicks.” g6:” What?” D:” Five clicks. You were supposed to pull on the zip-ties till you heard five clicks. It would have still been convincing enough. Instead, you pulled it seven-clicks tight. Now it’s biting into my wrists, and there’s no way I could have escaped. Can you release me now?” LG motioned angrily for g6 to release him. g6, while mumbling an apology, quickly cut him free, and removed his hood. D rubbed his wrists, then pointed to another gangster:” You! You forgot to tie your shoelaces the way I said you should. What are you guys paying me for here?”

 

The van swerved again, and g2 let out a sickly moan. D:” Is he still bleeding?” g4:” Yes.” D:” Hand me my kit. ETA?” td:” Two minutes.” D:” Take the alt route. I’ll need at least five to get him moving.” LG:” We can’t take that risk. We should take the shorter route!” D’s voice became painfully calm:” Short route, and he dies. Your choice.” LG said nothing.

 

D grabbed the kit handed to him, and started patching g2 up. While doing so, he expressed what g2 and g4 were thinking:” What was the delay? You needed to have the van loaded at least 210 seconds earlier!” g5:” It was g6! He fumbled getting the safe open!” g6:” It was a different safe than what I was told to prepare for! I had to quickly improvise. Made it considerably more challenging, but I managed to complete it. But that’s why you’re on our team.” D:” You still lost a guy, and we’re burning another couple minutes to get g2 patched up. How many of you laughed at me when I told you that you needed to pay for an updated evaluation of the bank vault? Hand me that scalpel. Driver, watch the swerving for the next… twenty-three seconds.” g6:” For the record, I didn’t. I wanted another evaluation.” LG:” Quit your nagging. We still got the money, that’s all that matters.”

 

The Masters of Bad Timing, Interval 4

 

D:” ETA?” td:” Twenty-five seconds! Ready?” D:” Bring g2 to The ‘Gator’s facility ASAP, and he’ll survive!” D carefully finished stitching g2, moved towards the door, and put his hand on the handle.

The van made a sharp turn, and pulled into an unmarked garage. As soon as the driver had slammed on the brakes, D flung the door open. He jumped out. The others quickly carried out the bags of money, and flung them into a black car beside them. Once everyone had left the van, D jumped back in.

 

A new driver hopped inside, and they waited till the car and the others had left.
A minute later, the van pulled forward and back out onto the busy street.

 

A while later, the van was out of the city, and slowing down. tnD:” Final check. Extraction team?” ExT:” On schedule. Forty-five seconds. Clear, no trailers.” tnD yelled at D:” Ready? Brace!” D grabbed the left side of the van, as he felt it slowly tip over on its side. After they came to a stop, he let go and fell down to the other side. The driver opened the back, and crawled inside. D:” Grab my kit. They forgot to take it. And remember, five clicks on the zips.” tnD:” Of course. I’m a professional, you know. Not like that team we worked with today.” He threw a black hood back over D’s head, zip-tied him properly, and closed the door.

Immediately, a banged up, grey car pulled up beside them. tnD jumped inside, and threw D’s kit in the back before they sped away.

 

[Back to the present]
The mental stopwatch started counting down in his head. By now, after years of practice, he was almost flawless with his sense of timing. A bet every now and then with his wife helped keep it running smoothly.

After stuffing himself back inside his car again, he checked both his mirrors. Satisfied, he put it in reverse and eased back out of the driveway.

 

He maybe had moved ten feet before he slammed on the brakes. A SUV came speeding around the corner, lost traction, hit a fire-hydrant, and came spinning towards his driveway. Thinking quickly, he put his car back in drive, and drove off his driveway onto his lawn.

 

It was the right idea, but didn’t quite work as the SUV hit a small shrub and bounced over the curb, slid through his driveway, and smashed against the side of his car, pushing them over his lawn.

 

Once his head stopped spinning, he glanced over at the other driver. D instinctively reached down under his dash for his gun, but after studying the face of the other driver, relaxed and exited his car. He had to kick his door open, and then it didn’t quite close properly. Looking around, his yard was a mess, with ruts and mud where there used to be grass, branches and car-parts where there used to be shrubs, and a very bent fire-hydrant that threatened to let go.

 

Camila was already standing at the top of the stairs, one hand behind her back, the other with a phone in it. C:” What happened? Are you ok? Do I call the police, or would you rather I didn’t?” D:” I’m fine. I think that other driver lost control; maybe texting and driving; and crashed into me. Not intentional.” He stopped for a moment, and surveyed the wreckage. D:” I think you should call the police. We’ll take the chance. I think it would be too expensive to get anyone else here quick enough to clean up.” She nodded, and placed the hand behind her back quickly inside her coat, and started calling the police.

 

D walked over to the other vehicle, and carefully ripped open the door.
The other driver was completely in shock, just staring straight ahead and shaking. No one else was in the vehicle. D didn’t bother to ask if the driver was ok, and started checking to see if they were bleeding.

D:” Hey, can you bring my-” He was surprised by his wife standing directly behind him. She finished his sentence for him:” Your kit? I haven’t had time to clean it up yet. I brought mine.”

 

When a police car showed up, the officers inside found D and C treating the other driver who was sprawled out on what was left of the lawn.

 

The two officers stepped out of their car. D immediately recognized the second one. D:” It’s the same officer from earlier. You go talk to him.” Camila quickly stood up, and walked over to the officers, but it was too late already.

p2:” Hey! It’s you! The guy who was taken hostage earlier today!” He stopped and surveyed the damage. p2:” Looks like you’re having quite the day.” D slowly got up. D:” Yeah. Tell me about it. I’m not going to be buying any lottery tickets today.” p2:” Why not?”
The other officer punched him gently in the shoulder. p1:” Because he’s extremely unlucky today.” p2 was annoyed at not getting the joke the first time around, and tried to change the topic. p2:” Are you going to be pressing charges?” D pretended to think for a moment, before his reply. D:” No, I don’t think I will. Look at that other driver. Still in shock. I think that’s punishment enough. I’m mostly just upset that my dinner is being interrupted. I was just on my way to grab some milk, and the game’s on in thirty minutes.” p2 looked at his partner, who nodded at him. p2:” Say what. If your car starts, you can go and grab your milk and have supper. We’ll clean up the rest here and worry about that other driver. You’ve had a long enough day.” D:” Thank you! You are most kind.”

 

Without waiting for anyone to change their minds, he picked his way through the debris, pried open his car door, and for what felt like the hundredth time that day, stuffed himself behind the wheel of his car.

 

The Masters of Bad Timing, Interval 5

D looked through his slightly cracked windshield. D:” Ok. Lets try this again.” He turned the key, and after some sputtering, got the engine to start, and slowly, very very slowly, backed off his lawn, over the curb, and back onto the road. He waved to the officers, and noticed Camila starting the stop-watch on her wrist.

 

He took in a deep breath, reset his internal stopwatch, and carefully accelerated down the street.

Several minutes later, he put his signal-light on, closed his eyes, and began counting down. Fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, seven, eight, six, five, four, three, two, one. He turned the wheel, waited a moment, then opened his eyes. Perfect timing, as always. A couple more turns, and he was parked at the convenience store he and his wife frequented.

 

Thirteen steps, and he was inside. A quick peruse of the store located the milk aisle. He closed his eyes again, and walked through the store.

Once he made it to the front desk with the milk in hand, he opened his eyes. The clerk working that day scanned the milk. CK:” What is it today?” D:” Eighteen minutes, thirty seconds.” CK:” Hmmm. So you need to burn another minute or so, right? May I interest you in a detailed evaluation of our excellent chocolate bars today?” D smiled:” Sorry, not today. I’ve been having one too many of those lately.” He patted his belly. CK:” That’s too bad. May I interest you- “

He was interrupted by the squealing of tires, the third time D had heard that sound today. But he didn’t have time to process it before a bunch of teenagers wearing ski-masks burst in through the front door, waving a handgun and a handful of knives.

 

The clerk, calm as always, spoke up harshly:” You know, you’re not allowed to own a gun. And those knives are not allowed in the store. Didn’t you read the sign out front?”

They laughed in his face, and yelled for both men to get on the floor. They looked at each other, shrugged, and slowly complied.
D:” Does that ever work?” CK shrugged:” It’s store policy. Doesn’t matter whether it works or not. Though I did hear it worked for a guy in the next city over, around two weeks ago.” D rolled over to look at the punks who were trashing the store. D:” You know, you can’t just walk in and use me like that. You have to sign the contract first! I will not tolerate this. I’m respected enough that I can have you blacklisted everywhere!”
They paid him no attention at all, and started grabbing the money out of the cash registrar and a handful of chocolate bars.

 

D finally lost his cool, and yelled at them:” DON’T YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?!”

 

One of the street punks, who looked like the leader, bowed mockingly. LP:” Should we? Our apologies, your honour.” A kid behind him spoke up. k4:” Maybe he’s rich or famous! We can sell him for a ransom and make millions!” D:” That’s not how it-” He was cut off by a dismissive hand swipe. LP:” Sure, lets do it! Throw him in the van.” He turned to the clerk. LP:” Do you have any zip-ties?” CK didn’t miss a beat. CK:” Second aisle, near the middle, on the left.” D glared over at him. CK:” Sorry. It’s a reflex.”
They quickly had the thin plastic in their possession, zip-tied D, and threw him in the back of their rusty van.

A slam of the doors, more squealing tires, and the van sped away.

 

As it did, it suddenly dawned on D, that these punks did not, in fact, know who he was.
And with their blundering, they were going to get them all killed.

 

It felt like the van had been swerving in and out of traffic for hours at this point, but according to his internal clock, it had only been ten minutes.
The punks had finally stopped yelling at each other, and D had collected his wits again. This amount of bumbling was painful for him to watch, so he and rolled over to face the punk who was supposed to be watching him.
D:” All of you are are completely out of your depth! You! You only pulled the Zips till you heard five clicks. If you really wanted me to stay tied you would have pulled for seven clicks. That was your fourth mistake. Your first mistake was working in a protected residential area. Those are the rules! Now the Blood Ravens, among others, are going to be very ticked off. Now, listen to me or you’ll get us all killed! There! You just made another mistake. Your licence plate is uncovered, and you just blew through a red light.” k2:” Of course, your highness. I’m terribly sorry. It’s all a big misunderstanding. We’ll listen to what you say, and get us all locked up. Sure thing. Nice try.” D glared at him, and continued. D:” After the clerk called the police, and alerted them that there was a hostage-slash-kidnapping situation, they would be at the convenience store in fifteen minutes and forty-five seconds. Once there, they’ll call in their tracking unit. That’s bad news for you, because they are all warmed up and feeling good about themselves after earlier today. Not that they should be.” k6:” Earlier today?” D:” Yeah. A team hit the East-District Bank. Made off with quite a bit of cash. Now, unless you have any tricks up your sleeve, they will find you. You’ve left so many clues already, so even if you clean up your act, they’ll find you sooner or later. Once they do, the team they’ll send is full of people who think they’re a bunch of cowboys and’ll come in guns blazing. Once the shooting stops, you’ll all be dead, and probably me with you unless you follow everything I say, exactly as I say it. First, take a left at the next intersection.” They completely ignored him.

 

The Masters of Bad Timing, Interval 6

 

D was getting highly frustrated by this point. D:” I SAID take the next left. It’s just after 8pm. If you keep going, you’ll run into a routine check-stop, then things will get messy. YOU NEED TO TAKE THE-” LP:” One more word out of you, and I’ll put something in your mouth to make you stop. Got it?”

D complied, and just muttered to himself under his breath.

 

A couple minutes later, the road bent around a corner, and on the other side was their worst fear.

A routine police check-stop.

 

LP:” Shoot! That’s exactly what we don’t need.” k5:” Can we just go through and make sure they don’t look in the back?” k2:” No chance of that. They’ll check for sure!” k3:” Put it in reverse and lets get out of here!” k4:” I can’t! There’s a bunch of vehicles behind us already!” By now they were already just a couple cars away from being checked. k4, the driver, panicked and drove over the curb to the left. The van got stuck, leaving the back wheels spinning in the air. k4:” GET OUT AND PUSH!”

 

Without hesitation, several of the punks jumped out, and put their shoulders to the back of the van, lifting it up. Even from inside the noisy van, D could hear the shouts of police officers yelling at them to stop. After a terrible moment, the van made it to the other side of the street, regained traction and started driving away, going against the flow of traffic. Several of the boys were running for their lives, trying to catch up to the van. The first two made it, and clambered up into the back. They held out their arms to the last one, running furiously. An officer was right at his heels when k2 jumped in a last ditch effort to make it to safety. A couple pairs of arms reached out, and hauled him.
Right then, the van swerved to avoid an incoming truck, and almost threw everyone out through the open back-doors. LP:” WATCH IT! I ALMOST FELL OUT!” k4:” WE ALMOST GOT HIT! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?” Right then, he swerved hard again, scrapping the side of the van against an SUV. D felt several bodies fall painfully on top of him.

Finally, someone reached out, almost fell, grabbed the swinging doors and slammed them shut. k4 smashed his foot on the accelerator and just missed getting run into again. He sped around another corner, turned onto the proper side of the road, and made another turn. He sped down several streets, going far too fast.

 

The van came to a stop in an empty parking lot, and the lights were turned off. In the dark interior, all anyone could hear was some excessively heavy breathing for a couple minutes.

 

LP:” That was a close one.” He meant it to sound brave, but it was a little weaker than he wanted. k5 turned to D, or rather the pile of bodies lying on top of him:” How’d you know about that check-stop? Who are you?”
D pushed off a body, and sat up. It was harder than normal, with his hands being zip-tied and everything. There was some blood leaking from his nose.

 

D:” Shouldn’t you have STARTED with that question? I’m a professional hostage. I do this sort of thing for a living. But the people I work with tend to be more professional. I’m ex-special forces, the whole bit.” They all laughed at him. LP:” You?! There’s no way you’re ex-special-forces. No way!” D tried to calm himself down, and regain his professional composure. D:” Exactly! This entire look is intentional. No one ever suspects me. Come on! Think for a moment. If I was always taken hostage while looking like an ex-special forces soldier, the police would get suspicious because you normally take someone easy as a hostage. Then they would start doing background checks on me. If I look like this, they forget I even exist afterwards!”

 

Everyone suddenly stopped laughing, and started looking at him differently.

 

k2:” If that’s so, why are you here, tied up?” D:” That’s on me. I let my guard down. I thought you guys were just pulling a prank on me at first, because no one in their right mind would raid in a protected area just for a bit of cash. Only people with the right connections would even dream of doing that, and you obviously don’t. And people with those kinds of connections aren’t wasting their time on pocket change.”

k4 started the van with a sputter, and cautiously started driving away.

 

LP:” How does your job work?” D:” If I’m brought in as another dimension of the operation, basically just a security net, I generally charge around twenty to twenty-five percent of their net haul. That’s quite a bit less than bribes cost these days, especially with how much harder it is to find someone to bribe after the corruption purges. If they mess up, and have to use me as a hostage, I charge an additional twenty to twenty-three percent. Oftentimes, they don’t even know what I look like before the operation, so I wear a distinguishing article of clothing that I know no one else will be wearing. If they bring me into the planning stages as a consultant as well, I charge a flat rate of forty percent. Only the smart ones bring me in as a consultant, and I generally give them a refund of five percent if they trust me and follow everything to the letter. When that happens, we’ve never failed an operation.” He paused, looking outside the dirty window at the street signs. D:” Take a right here. Before getting to the next intersection, do a U turn and head in the other direction. There’s a camera at the intersection ahead. We want to avoid it.”

The k4 hesitated, and looked back at the leader. He shook his head, so the k4 ignored D’s advice and kept driving straight, causing D to shake his head in disgust.

 

The Masters of Bad Timing, Interval 7

 

After about 90 minutes of circling around and driving aimlessly around the city, making a number of mistakes, they reached a far rougher looking section.

D:” Is this where you live?” k5:” I do. I’ve got a place to hide the van. Then we can lay low for a while and decide what we want to do next.” The driver rounded a corner, and pulled up to a row of abandoned apartments where he lived.

 

There was one catch, though.

Several people, all armed, were milling about, watching it burn down. A couple of the people turned to look at the van. As they turned, the glow from the fire illuminated a very particular tattoo on each of their necks. A raven, painted blood red.

 

Not a moment later, they raised their guns to their shoulders and began peppering the van with bullets!

Several people yelled out the same thing all at once:” GO! DRIVE!” The driver didn’t need the encouragement. He quickly sped down the street, keeping his head below the window.

It was several minutes before any of them were confident enough to raise their heads and look to see if they were being followed.
They weren’t.

 

It was k2 who broke the silence first. k2:” WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS THAT?!” D was by far the calmest of the bunch, and the only reason his heart rate had gone up was because someone fell on him again causing his nose to start bleeding again. He was also pretty sure there was a few bruises that would hurt later. D:” If only anyone had listened! I told you already. You infringed on the Blood Ravens protected territory. It’ll be pretty impressive if you manage to survive. But I know a way where you can increase your chances. Just let me make a phone call, and all of this will end. You’ll return the money, let me go, and nothing will happen!”
LP didn’t miss a beat:” NOT A CHANCE! I’m not giving up after all of this.” k2:” You keep talking about these ‘Blood Ravens’. You sure seem to know a lot about them. You’re not one of them, are you?” D:” ONE OF THEM! Heck no. I just have more brain cells than all of you combined, but even you guys should have enough brains to avoid getting on their bad side. Check my neck. No tattoos there.”

 

k3:” Hey! Sorry to interrupt your attempts to get us in more trouble, but k6 is going to bleed out! We need to head to the hospital, right now.” LP:” We can’t do that! They’ll be looking for us there, and we may as well all be dead!”
D sighed:” If you’ll cut my ties, I can patch him up. I have quite a bit of medical experience.” The punks looked around at each other, hesitating. D:” Think! You guys don’t spend a single moment thinking! Think! Have I lied yet? I’ve been right about everything.” k2:” He’s right. He’s predicted everything so far.” D:” I can work on him in the corner, and if anything happens you can shoot me. Just don’t have an itchy trigger finger. Deal?”
They agreed to this, after much pushing from k6, who wasn’t looking forward to bleeding to death.

 

D:” I need a first aid kit.” k4:” And the van needs some fuel.” He pulled over at a gas station that conveniently was on their right.
k2 jumped out, and walked towards the fuel pump. As he walked over, he noticed a man standing at the far end of the pumps, just staring at them. k2 stared back for a moment, then panicked and jumped back inside the van. k2:” GO! GO!” The driver obliged, and sped away. k2:” That man had a tattoo on the side of his neck!” LP:” What has gotten into you? Lots of people we know have tattoos. I’ve even got one.” k2:” It was a tattoo of a raven, all in red!” LP:” You’re all a bunch of chickens! Here! Pull over at this station, and I’LL jump out and fuel up!”

This time, there wasn’t anybody there. But that didn’t make them any less jumpy.
A minute later, LP returned from the store with a first aid kit, and the van started up again and started moving.

 

Ten minutes later, D was getting his hands zip-tied back together, with k6 all patched up. He wasn’t feeling the greatest, but D said he would live, and that was good enough for him.

 

k3:” What do you say we should do next?” D:” I want to be out of your hands as quick as I can, and you need to skip town.” LP:” FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT JUST LETTING YOU GO!” D glared at him. He dropped his voice to a cold blooded tone. D:” I wasn’t done talking. I was going to say you should call my wife, and ask for the ransom money right now. Let’s get this over with already.”
k6:” How much should we ask for?” k2:” If he’s famous, we should ask for five million.” D:” FIVE MILLION! I’m worth at least nine! Don’t insult me like that.” LP:” NINE MILLION?!” D:” You guys really have no idea how this works, do you?” They ignored that last remark, and handed D’s phone to k5.

 

The Masters of Bad Timing, Interval 8

 

It rang a couple times, then it was answered by an irritated voice. C:” Hello?”
k5:” Hello. We have your husband. We want five- oh sorry. We want nine million in cold hard cash by eleven tonight. Or else.” He hung up. The others stared at him. k2:” You need to tell her when and where to deliver it, and maybe she’ll refuse to pay it! You can’t just hang up like that!” k5, embarrassed, redialed the number. D could clearly hear Camila’s exasperated tone at the other end. She didn’t miss a beat. C:” NINE MILLION! He’s not even worth five! But, I’ll give you five million.” k5:” Not a chance. Nine million or else.” C:” No. What’s the ‘or else’ supposed to mean?” D yelled at the phone:” OH, JUST GIVE THEM THE MONEY. WE’LL FIND A WAY. They’ll kill me otherwise!”

 

There was a moment’s silence, then the response was from a subdued voice. It sounded like she was trying to keep from crying. C:” Ok. Nine million. But I get to choose when and where. It’s only fair on this short notice.” k5:” That sounds fair- (The others were nodding an aggressive no) Actually we’ll consider it. What’s your proposal?” C:” 11:30pm, I’ll need the extra time to gather the money, and East-District middle park. It’ll be completely deserted, with plenty of escape routes for you criminals.” k5:” It must be completely deserted, and you can’t contact the police or else. Understand?” C:” Understood. Don’t you dare hurt him!” She hung up.

 

The others weren’t impressed.
k3:” That was some horrible negotiation! You were supposed to be our best negotiator! What happened?” k5 looked at the floor. k5:” Sorry. I panicked. But I still got us nine million cash! That’s got to count for something.”

 

After what felt like forever, 11:30pm approached.

The van circled the block another two times so that they were completely sure that the lady standing in the center was alone. They parked it at the far side of the small park, and three of them got out. D was roughly pulled out of the van, and stood on his feet. k3:” Hey. We should throw a hood over his face, just in case she tries to make some sort of signal to him. He does claim to be a professional!” The gang laughed at this, but just to be safe, threw a black cloth bag over his head. LP:” Just remember, no funny business. I’ve got a gun, and I’m keeping it pointed at you till this is over. I’m not missing out on nine million.”

 

They started shuffling forward, but before the three of them reached halfway D heard his wife’s voice call out. C:” Hey! There’s only supposed to be one of you making the exchange. One of you has to stay by the van. And look at him. Do you think he’s in any shape to run away, especially with a bag over his head?” The two punks looked at each other. LP nodded, and the other one walked away. The two of them started shuffling forward again.

 

C:” Ok, ten feet away is plenty close enough.” LP:” Do you have the money?!” C:” What else do you think I brought? All nine million dollars are here.” LP:” Hand it over!” C:” That’s not how this works! The deal was D walks over first, then I slide the money eight feet to you, and you count it, and we leave!” LP:” The deal’s changed. Hand it over first!” D:” Oh boy, I wouldn’t have said-” He was interrupted by Camila, who was furious now. C:” All seven of you are pathetic liars! You can’t go six minutes without making a fool of yourselves! FIRST, YOU AGREED TO FIVE MILLION DOLLARS, INSTEAD YOU JACKED UP THE PRICE! NEXT, YOU MADE HIM FOUR HOURS LATE TO SUPPER! HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE WITHOUT THREE MEALS IN A DAY? AND THIS IS THE SECOND TIME TODAY THIS HAS HAPPENED. IF IT HAPPENS ONE MORE TIME, I’LL FREAK, BECAUSE MY PATIENCE FOR THIS SORT OF THING IS AT ZERO!”

 

The moment she said zero three things happened simultaneously.

 

LP realized he had been a complete fool, D dropped like a rock, wrenching himself out of LP’s grasp and falling on the ground, and C threw a knife directly at the right hand of LP. Her aim was perfect, and the sudden imbedding of the knife in his hand caused him to drop the gun.

 

It wasn’t a moment later when she had hit him on the side of the head with her gun, knocking him to the ground.

D slipped out of the zip-ties, which had only been pulled to five-clicks, and quickly removed the hood.

A quick look around told D that police were swarming the van, and LP was completely frozen in shock.

 

D:” I guess it would have been fair of me to mention that she’s also ex-special forces. But you better get up and start walking towards the van, because she’s liable to shoot you and call it an accident.” After a moment’s hesitation, LP got up and started shuffling towards the others. D:” That was some fantastic voice acting you had in that phone call. I can tell you’ve been working hard on that.” C:” Who says I was acting?” She waited a moment, but then couldn’t keep from smiling.

 

D then leaned in close to LP, right as a police officer began walking towards them. D spoke fast:” Listen quickly. There’s no time for questions or mistakes. You have two options. Option one, they’ll take you away, and because you have no money, you’ll plead guilty and under the laws our new Presidente passed a year ago, face up to 15 or even 20 years in jail for gang violence, kidnapping in a residential area, armed robbery, and numerous other charges. Or, you and the others can choose option two. Once you are in a empty room, it must be all six of you, tell the nearest officer that you want to speak to Alejandro. If a man walks in, identifies himself as Alejandro, and you’re scared, that’s him. If you aren’t scared, it’s an imposter. Don’t say anything to an imposter. But once you have the real Alejandro, tell him that you’re working for me, and this was a training exercise. He’ll grumble and say something like, sure looks like you’ll need more training, and that with people like you we’ll never win again. Then you’ll be released, and I want you all to go home. Wait there and lay low for anywhere from a couple days to several months until you receive your next orders from me and the people I work for.” LP was getting more confused by the second. LP:” Orders?” D dropped his voice to a whisper now, as C went ahead to intercept the officer and give D another couple seconds. D:” Yes. Because if you take option two, you belong to me now, and you’ll work for me.” LP:” What do you get out of it?” D:” Loyalty.”

 

D straightened up, as two officers were now standing right in front of him. The first officer handcuffed LP, and led him away.

The other officer stared at D in shock, then laughed at him. p2:” You again! You’re packing more excitement in one day then most people have in a year!”
The three of them, D, C, and p2, started walking back towards Camila’s car. p2:” That’s just amazing. What a day! You two must be the Masters of Bad Timing!” D laughed tiredly:” You don’t know the half of it.”

 

All three of them stopped suddenly.

 

They watched, in shock, as a semi-truck came barreling down the street and lost control!
It slid into C’s car, crumpling it, regained traction, and after the driver noticed all of the red and blue flashing lights, sped away down the street, leaving the destroyed car in its wake.

 

Timing is everything

 

<THE END>

 

 

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